Working Step One

Five weeks and one day without alcohol. Seems much longer.

I have my "big blue book" as they call it. The AA bible, basically. And I have the book on the 12 Steps , too.

I'm still on Step One. Admitting that I am powerless over alcohol.

The last two weeks have been difficult. I am working at coming to grips with the understanding that I cannot drink alcohol.

And it's hard because I still want to. I find myself at times thinking about having a glass or two of wine. I'm still mourning the loss of fun times such as going wine tasting on the wine trail near my home.

All the guys at AA tell me that it's every alcoholics dream to find a way to control their drinking.

But we can't. And that's why we can't drink. It's black and white - no gray area at all. And that's what I find so hard. It's all or nothing.

It's only been five weeks. I hope that in a year I will feel different. The truth in that old AA proverb is my lifeline: One day at a time. That's what is getting me through.

I'm taking one day at a time.

My First AA Meeting

I haven't had a drink since August 14th. Next Monday I will get my one month chip at AA.

I went to my first AA meeting on Monday, August 15. I wrote about the two days that preceded this in my last post.

I almost didn't go in to the meeting. I went alone, and sat in my car for a while. The only people who went in looked like Skid Row derelicts and motorcycle gang members.

If it was going to be all old men and skid row people then I wasn't going to go in. Except I knew I had to.

I waited until I saw a woman go in. Then I dragged myself out of the car and approached the door. The meeting was in an old hole-in-the-wall type building, in a small room with old chairs placed around its perimeter.

There were a lot of people in the room. Apparently I had chosen to go on the night one of the regulars was going to tell his story of being sober for 4 years I didn't know anyone and no one knew me. They welcomed me. A few spoke to me.

But my heart was pounding so hard I could barely speak. The meeting lasted an hour and when that hour was over, I really could have used a drink.

But I didn't have one. And I went back the next week. I've been to 3 meetings so far. I've learned a lot already. One of the funniest and also the most frustrating thing I've learned is that "the dream of every alcoholic is to control their drinking".

In other words, alcoholics dream of drinking and controlling it. But for an alcoholic, that just doesn't work. The first step is admitting that you are powerless over alcohol.

I'm still at Step One.