Off the Wagon Redux X 2

I haven't blogged since August 13. Because I fell off the wagon again. Even worse.

I guess after going without alcohol for three weeks I managed to convince myself that I could have a little drink or two.

So on a Saturday night, we bought a pre-made mojito mix. I had two. That should have been enough.

But then I snuck into the cabinet where I knew there was some leftover whiskey. And I had another drink. Except that it was really two drinks, at the minimum, because I do a "generous" pour.

Even that wouldn't have been too bad. But then the next night I did it again. Two big drinks with generous pours. And then I got caught. Lots of condemnation (from myself) coming down on me.

So the next night I went to my first AA meeting. That's a story for next time.

Fell Off the Wagon

I fell off the wagon twice in the last week. Not too bad. My husband doesn't know.

We had some leftover liquor in a cabinet. And one day last week, after everyone had gone to bed, I made myself two drinks.

Doesn't sound like I went overboard, does it? Except that when I make a drink, it's at least a double. So that was four.

I enjoyed them. But I didn't enjoy the sense of guilt I felt, and the sneaking around I had to do to get them. And a couple days ago, I had one double in the afternoon.

The good news is that last night I was really wanting that drink. And somehow, I managed to say no to myself. I really don't want to go back there. But I sure miss drinking.

I haven't scheduled an appointment with an alcohol counselor. I really need to do that. Soon.

Two Weeks & Counting

I've been sober for two weeks tonight. Fourteen days without alcohol.

I'm doing OK. Haven't gotten to an AA meeting yet. I know I need to do that. I also need to schedule some time with a drug & alcohol counselor.

Or do I?

I'm still having cravings in the evening. I feel a little sorry for myself that I can't have a glass of wine.

But then I remember that I can't have a glass of wine because I can't have just ONE. One leads to two, and then three. And more.

I have to remind myself of this. I've had a few thoughts this week that, since I'm doing so good not drinking, maybe that means that eventually I can have that glass of wine.

I know this is faulty thinking. I have to replace that thought with something else. I'm trying. I'm doing it. So far.

Sober for 10 days

As of today I haven't had a drink for ten days.

But I've thought about it.

I was alone last Friday night and we did have some alcohol in the cupboard. Half a bottle of Peach Tea Vodka.

I opened the bottle and took a sniff. It smelled good. Real good.

But I didn't drink it. I went back a second time just to smell it again later, though.

But I left it alone. I've been thinking a lot about giving up alcohol and what it means. No more wine tasting. No more buying extra sharp cheddar to go with my sweet wine. No mojitos with fresh mint in the summer time.

But I know I have to stop thinking about it that way. Because it's not just about giving up alcohol. It's realizing that I used alcohol to replace other things in my life. Because I allowed alcohol to usurp the place that belongs to God. My husband. My family. My writing.

It sapped my creativity and blunted my emotions. I know that, yet I'd still love to have a mojito right now.

It's going to be a long journey.