Independence Day

4th of July 2011

I woke up feeling like crap that day. Drank too much again the night before. Felt so condemned and discouraged.

I tried to read my Bible but I couldn't concentrate through the hangover haze. This is what's been happening for at least the last year. In the morning I decide I won't have anything to drink that night. And then 6 or 7 pm rolls around and that motivation disappears like morning mist burned away by the sun.

Somehow I found the courage to tell my husband that morning. Really tell him. Not just "I think maybe I drink a little too much."

I said flat out "I'm an alcoholic." I didn't cry or sob. I said "I have to stop drinking. And I don't know if I can."

My husband supports me. He wants to help me. He offered solutions. But I know he really doesn't understand what's going on with me. How can he? He can have a drink or two and stop.

I can't stop.

I have one or two. And then after he goes to bed I have a couple more. I lose count. And then I stumble to bed in a drunken stupor. I get up early  the next morning and go to work. And no one knows.

Isn't it funny that on Independence Day I declared my dependence on alcohol?