I Know I'm Fixated on Numbers

I received my 90 day chip at AA this past Monday night.

All the guys kept telling me how proud they are of me. I wish you could see the scene. I'm the only woman in a group of guys who, for the most part, were hard drinkers. HARD.

Some of these guys have seen difficult times. I'm convinced several of them lead motorcycle gangs.

But they all show up, week after week, to support each other. Because that's how you have to do it. Day by day, week by week.

Now I can say I haven't had any alcohol for three months. Do I still think about it? Yes. But not like I did. Most mornings now I wake up and get my coffee and get ready for work and I don't remember that three months ago I was waking up in the morning filled with condemnation and guilt.

It's gone. And THAT is a wonderful feeling.

75 Days and Counting

It's been 75 days since I had any alcohol.

It feels SO much longer. The first AA meeting I went to feels like it had to have been last year, not almost 3 months ago.

I'm starting to tell some of my friends about it it. That's key.

Keeping the problem hidden makes it more difficult to overcome. But bringing it out into the light breaks the backbone of it.

That makes it sound as if it is an animal or a living thing. And in a way it is. It's something that has gotten away from you, that's spiraled out of control. Something that's escaped from its cage.

By telling people about it you are decreasing the chances that you'll fall back into it.

Here's a link to a website where you can take an anonymous test to determine if you might have a problem. But I'm going to warn you. If you think you need to take the test, then you probably already have a problem. I did something like this at least twice in the last two years. I think I knew but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.

www.AlcoholScreening.org.

Do I still think about drinking? Yes. Nearly every night. But right now that compulsion isn't there. If we had alcohol in the house, it would be difficult. But we don't.

If I wanted to drink now I would have to be sneaky about it. And I don't want to do that. The Lord has gotten me through so far.

Do I still have fantasies about being able to drink again and control my drinking? Yes. I've already mentioned that all the AA guys have told me this is every alcoholics dream. But it can't be done. Nope.

So I'm continuing on this journey of learning to live without alcohol.