One Year Without Alcohol!

I celebrated one year of sobriety on August 14.

What a wonderful feeling!

I've proved to myself that I can live without alcohol.  When I started this blog I wasn't sure it could be done. 

The first six months were the hardest.

The second six months were a bit easier, partly because I didn't want to mess up the first six by drinking and having to start over.

I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. Probably the most important thing is that my God is a jealous God. He is jealous for me, in a good way. He wants to be the one to meet my needs. He wants to be the one I come to with my sorrows and burdens instead of running to a bottle of wine.

I have learned so much from the AA guys. Hearing my story in their words. Celebrating their accomplishments. So much strength and encouragement in those guys.

I am happier and healthier than I was a year ago. No more waking up in the morning and feeling condemned. I begin each day with a clear conscience.

Alcohol and my need/compulsion/desire for it had become a heavy burden hanging over me.

And now it's gone. Praise God Almighty for His faithfulness.

I'm FREE!

It's Been a While But Still Pushing On

I haven't posted in a while. But just in case anyone following this blog wants to know, I am still moving forward.

As of today, it's been 6 months and 3 weeks since I had my last drink. February 14 I received my 6 month chip at AA. All the guys were thrilled for me.

I've had several dreams in which I'm drinking alcohol. And when I awake, I'm glad it was only a dream.

There are actually some days when I don't think about alcohol at all. And that's great. I have no regrets about leaving alcohol behind. The best part of sobriety is waking up every morning with a clear conscience. No condemnation. Because the condemnation is shattering. And crushing. And then that turns into self-loathing. And that's really hard, because you can't run away from yourself.

So anyone out there reading this, just know, it IS possible to stop drinking. I did. You can too.

Not Counting Days Anymore

I've stopped counting days. January 14 was 5 months alcohol-free for me.

There are days when I don't think about alcohol. They are few, though.

But it's OK.

 Now when I have the urge to drink I'm trying to think about the WHY. And I'm going to the Lord for the answer.

The Lord showed me that He wants the energy and attention and the NEED for alcohol to be redirected to Him. He wants to be the answer in my life.

Alcohol was never intended to be the answer.

He is a jealous God and anything that takes my attention off Him - well, let's just say He will do ANYTHING required to get me back.

How wonderful.

Hope

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

For anyone out there this Christmas season fighting despair and condemnation, there is a light in the darkness. And his name is Jesus. 

Call out to Him.


I couldn't have made it this far without Him. And I know He wants to help you too.


Merry Christmas

I Know I'm Fixated on Numbers

I received my 90 day chip at AA this past Monday night.

All the guys kept telling me how proud they are of me. I wish you could see the scene. I'm the only woman in a group of guys who, for the most part, were hard drinkers. HARD.

Some of these guys have seen difficult times. I'm convinced several of them lead motorcycle gangs.

But they all show up, week after week, to support each other. Because that's how you have to do it. Day by day, week by week.

Now I can say I haven't had any alcohol for three months. Do I still think about it? Yes. But not like I did. Most mornings now I wake up and get my coffee and get ready for work and I don't remember that three months ago I was waking up in the morning filled with condemnation and guilt.

It's gone. And THAT is a wonderful feeling.

75 Days and Counting

It's been 75 days since I had any alcohol.

It feels SO much longer. The first AA meeting I went to feels like it had to have been last year, not almost 3 months ago.

I'm starting to tell some of my friends about it it. That's key.

Keeping the problem hidden makes it more difficult to overcome. But bringing it out into the light breaks the backbone of it.

That makes it sound as if it is an animal or a living thing. And in a way it is. It's something that has gotten away from you, that's spiraled out of control. Something that's escaped from its cage.

By telling people about it you are decreasing the chances that you'll fall back into it.

Here's a link to a website where you can take an anonymous test to determine if you might have a problem. But I'm going to warn you. If you think you need to take the test, then you probably already have a problem. I did something like this at least twice in the last two years. I think I knew but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.

www.AlcoholScreening.org.

Do I still think about drinking? Yes. Nearly every night. But right now that compulsion isn't there. If we had alcohol in the house, it would be difficult. But we don't.

If I wanted to drink now I would have to be sneaky about it. And I don't want to do that. The Lord has gotten me through so far.

Do I still have fantasies about being able to drink again and control my drinking? Yes. I've already mentioned that all the AA guys have told me this is every alcoholics dream. But it can't be done. Nope.

So I'm continuing on this journey of learning to live without alcohol.

Sixty Days without Alcohol

A few months ago, I would have said that this is my kind of wineglass.

As of today, I have lived sixty days without alcohol. It feels like six years. Just two months ago, I was drinking wine every night and sometimes vodka, too. Towards the end, I was pouring very generous glasses of wine and this glass would have been perfect.

Although I doubt I could have hidden it from my husband or my family. Because at the end, that's what you're doing. Hiding how much you're drinking. Making sure there's enough alcohol in the house to last the weekend.

I live in a county that has "Blue" laws. You can't buy any type of alcohol on Sunday. So that means on Friday or Saturday you have to be sure and get your supply. If you do this then it probably means you have a problem, too.

This was one of the little things that nagged at me. That tiny thought at the back of my mind that kept intruding and ruining some of the pleasure of drinking.

Do I miss it? Yes, I have to say that I do miss it and think about it. Especially in the evening. It would be so lovely to settle down with a roaring fire and a glass of wine. That's when I have to remind myself that it would never be one glass. It would be four or five. Even though I know alcohol is poison for me, I still want it. That's sick, isn't it?

That's where taking one day at a time comes into play.